UC-NRLF 


AND  OTHER  STUFF 

BY  M.  E.    • 

(F.  WEBER  BENTON) 


GIFT  OF 


V 


(• *&-**>*LCs£*-*- 


THE 
I 


M  E. 


(F.   WEBER  BENTON) 


I 


Being  the  autobiography  of  my  own  life,  together  with 

OTHER  STUFF 

and  Pomes 

By  M.  E. 

/        F.  WEBER  BENTON        \ 
\       Keep  this  under  your  hat      / 

With  pig-pen  sketches  by   Dud   Logan,   Tay   Garnett,   F.   I. 
Weatherbee,  Gus  Luley  and  the  author 

HIMSELF 


Trade       H  §P       Mark 


Los  Angeles,  Cal. 

SEMI-TROPIC  PUBLISHING  CO.,  Guilty 
1916 


Copyright    1916 
By  F.  Weber  Benton 


I 


THE   PREHISTORICAL   PERIOD— AND   THEN 

SOME 

I  first  saw  the  light  when  I  saw  wood,  and  I  have 
been  doing  it  ever  since.  I  was  born  early  in  my 
career,  in  the  year  1855  B.  C.  (back  country  or  British 
Columbia,  same  thing)  in  the  merry  month  of  May, 
on  the  eighth  day  thereof.  I  am  sure  of  it  for  I  was 
there. 

I  made  things  lively  for  awhile.  Everybody  within 
earshot  knew  I  was  on  earth  and  they  know  it  yet. 
I  was  fated  to  be  noisy,  even  to  the  color  of  my  sox, 
but  no  matter. 

Anyhow,  to  leave  off  where  I  began  I  saw  wood  at 
an  early  age  and  my  life  has  been  one  see-saw  after 
another  up  to  and  including  the  present  political 
period — if  it  doesn't  snow. 

To  say  I  have  made  my  mark  in  the  world  would 
be  putting  it  mild,  altho  the  least  said  about  that  the 
better,  so  I'll  put  the  lid  on  that  right  now  before  I 
go  any  father — or  mother.  Nuf  ced,  that's  a  parent. 

As  time  passed  on  I  grew  older — couldn't  help  it 
you  know,  and  finally  became  a  boy,  notwithstanding 
I  had  never  been  anything  else,  but  who  cares?  Still 
I'm  telling  you.  Listen  : 

355418 


The  Plan  was  a  Suck-cess 

4 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


Acquiring  a  Fair  Ink-ling  of  the  Business 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

Among  the  many  commendable  traits  in  my  char- 
acter, it  devolves  upon  me,  as  the  author  of  my  own 
life  to  chronicle  the  fact  that  I  was  boyish,  and  when  I 
say  I  was  the  author  of  my  own  life  I  do  not  mean  that 
I  was,  at  that  time,  a  self-made  man,  being  boyish. 
Catch  my  drift?  Years  later,  however,  when  still  older 
I  took  occasion  to  claim  that  I  was  a  self-made  man, 
people  said  I  had  nobody  to  blame  but  myself. 


DO  NOT  STOP  HERE, 
READ  RIGHT  ON. 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


THE  KID  PERIOD 

But  I  digress.  More  time  passes  and  still  I  live, 
but  how  and  why  nobody  will  ever  know.  That  is  my 
own  secret,  not  a  soul  knows  it  but  myself,  my  owit 
family,  the  general  public  and  a  few  others.  'Tis  well ! 

At  the  age  of  three  I  began  to  walk  and  say  a  few 
wards  but  I  failed  to  acquire  flesh  commensurate  with 
my  growth,  so  my  mother  concluded  to  bring  me  up 
on  the  bottle,  and  the  plan  was  a  suck-cess,  therefore 


The   Boss 

I  have  stuck  to  it  ever  since,  that's  why  I  am  always 
in  such  good  spirits. 

Later  on  I  went  to  school  but  I  knew  more  than 
the  teacher  and  quit.  She  asked  me  how  to  spell  kat 
and  I  wouldn't  tell  her. 

Still  time  went  on  and  I  entered  into  commercial 
life  as  "Devil"  in  a  print  shop.  I  did  very  well  for 
awhile,  acquiring  a  very  fair  ink-ling  of  the  business 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

but  I  was  ambitious.  I  yearned  for  fame  and  aspired 
to  the  editor's  chair  but  the  boss  said  he  wanted  it 
himself. 

He  agreed,  however,  to  start  me  toward  it  by  mak- 
ing me  a  reporter.  He  said  I  ought  to  inspire  con- 
fidence, having  such  an  open  countenance.  My  first 


An  Open  Countenance 


story  was  a  corker;  it  was  entitled  "The  Tale  of  a 
Red  Sweater,  or,  Prince  Peelum,  the  Hair  to  the 
Throne,"  by  Haul  Kane  (copywrited  by  him). 

Haul  Kane,  you  know,  was  my  nom  de  pulme  at 

8 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

that  time,  but  afterwards  I  signed  myself  Joe  Kerr, 
Lord  Helpim,  O.  U.  Gillie,  F.  Weber  Benton,  O.  Fudge 
and  numerous  other  fictitious  names  to  hide  my  ident- 


Him 


ity  as  I  was  constantly  in  danger  of  being  mobbed. 
To  show  what  a  good  story  my  first  one  was,  it  is 
herein  set  forth — or  fifth,  in  all  its  horrible  de  tales, 
verbatim,  as  follows : 


See  Next  Page 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


THE  TALE  OF  A  RED  SWEATER,  ETC. 

Once  there  was  a  king  who  had  a  son  whose  front 
name  was  Harry  and  for  that  reason  it  was  suspected 
that  the  offspring  was  the  hair  to  the  throne,  altho  he 
had  no  hair  apparent,  being  bald.  The  king's  name 
has  long  since  been  forgotten  but  it  matters  not  since 
the  name  of  the  prince  remains,  in  fact  he  still  lives 
but  does  not  live  still,  being  a  hair-um  scarum  fellow 
and  full  of  pranks,  prunes  and  other  ingredients. 
Often  he  was  accused  of  aspirations  to  a  crown,  chiefly 
on  account  of  his  kingly  heir. 

Once  upon  a  time  he  had  an  opportunity  to  go  to 
war  but  he  declined  the  honor,  fearing  that  he  might 
kill  some  thing  besides  time,  not  saying,  however  that 
he  was  not  brave  for  it  is  related  of  him  that  on 
several  occasions  he  had  been  in  noted  engagements, 
principally  with  women,  and  always  came  out  victor, 
except  for  the  matter  of  small  court  costs  and  in- 
significant alimony.  However,  he  was  a  great  admirer 
of  the  fair  sex  and  never  went  to  war  with  any  other 
nationality. 

Yearning,  therefore,  for  a  kingdom  he  aspired  to 
one,  in  fact  sought  it  and  to  him  has  been  ascribed 
the  celebrated  words,  "My  horse  for  a  kingdom,"  or 
words  to  that  effect.  But  that  has  nothing  to  do  with 
the  red  sweater  which  would  have  played  an  important 
part  in  this  historical  narrative  had  it  not  been  lost  in 
the  wash,  therefore  further  reference  to  it  in  this  sad 
tale  would  be  untimely,  which,  perhaps,  is  all  for  the 
best  as  this  meek  and  modest  garment  was  ever  wont 

10 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

to  shrink  from  publicity  to  the  point  of  disappearing — 
especially  after  an  encounter  with  the  tub. 

We  will  therefore  return  to  the  prince  since  the 
sweater  would  not.  We  find  him  alone  except  for  a 
few  friends  who  joined  him  around  the  flowing  bowl, 
however,  they  did  not  appear  to  break  into  his  solitude 
but  rather  dispelled  it  by  their  conviviality.  Upon 
the  present  occasion  he  was  present  as  usual,  which 
generally  was  the  case  when  he  was  not  absent,  there- 
fore let  him  rest  in  pieces,  if  not  intact. 


TURN  OVER 


11 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 
PERIOD  OF  THE  FOURTH  ESTATE 

Well,  how's  that?  Some  tale,  eh?  And  now  about 
I  again : 

Ofttimes  as  I  would  take  my  faithful  pen  in  hand 
(I  always  write  with  my  hand)  and  a  cheroot  in  my 
face,  thots  would  crowd  themselves  upon  me  in  such 


With  Pen  in  Hand 

numbers  and  with  such  rapidity  that  I  frequently 
began  at  the  end  and  finisht  at  the  beginning,  but  no- 
body knew  the  difference.  Therefore  as  a  cub  reporter 
I  was  a  bear,  in  fact  I  soon  became  IT  when  it  came  to 
hot  stuff. 

Still  I  was  not  satisfied.  I  hungered  for  more 
glory.  I  hankered  for  laurels  of  the  stage,  the  blare 
of  the  brass  bands  and  the  glare  of  the  footlights,  so 

12 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

a  actor  I  became — for  one  consecutive  night.  I  did 
Hamlet  and  when  the  curtain  fell  on  me  you  could 
have  heard  a  cannon  roar. 

However,  I  escaped  with  my  life,  hence  I  am  still 
living. 


IT 


My  next  adventure  was  matrimony.  One  would 
think  that  after  all  the  misfortunes  I  had  known  that  I 
would  have  avoided  others,  but  I  was  ever  reckless, 
what  was  life  to  me?  and  so  I  took  unto  myself  a  wife. 
I  will  not  enter  into  particulars  of  my  married  life  or 
the  little  details  incidental  thereto.  There  are  some 


13 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

things  too  sacred  for  the  public  ken.    That  is  the  funny 
part  of  it.    Do  you  get  me?    My  wife  did. 

I  will  say,  however,  that  there  are  worse  things 
than  being  married — whether  you  believe  it  or  not. 
And  now  that  I  recall  it,  I  never  had  a  chance  to  get 
lonesome,  there  was  always  something  going  on,  al- 
ways merriment  and  hilarity,  and  between  the  piano 
and  the  children  life  was  a  continual  dream,  some- 


I  did  Hamlet 

thing  of  a  nightmare,  don't  you  know? — so  much  so 
at  times,  when  I  felt  a  longing  for  peace  and  quiet  I 
would  steal  down  to  the  shop  of  my  friend,  the  shoe- 
maker, as  he  bugled  the  popular  songs  of  the  day. 

But  I  am  ahead  of  my  story.     Back  up ! 
DON'T  HESITATE,  THE  WORST  IS  YET  TO 
COME. 


14 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

PERIOD   OF  JOURNALISTIC  ACTIVITY 

Prior  to  my  connubial  entanglements,  as  it  were,  I 
had  realized  the  ambition  of  my  life.  I  became  a 
editor;  yes,  indeed,  not  only  editor  but  owner  of 'The 
Watts  Weakly  Warbler."  A  contemporary  was  mean 
enough  to  insinuate  that  my  only  chance  to  edit  a 


/ 
\ 

When  the  Curtain  Fell  on  Me 

paper  was  to  have  one  of  my  own  as  no  other  paper 
would  give  me  a  job,  but  I  paid  no  attention  to  him, 
in  fact  I  never  paid  anything  if  I  could  help  it. 

Being  the  owner  of  a  paper  was  one  reason  why  I 
married.  I  had  to  find  some  use  for  the  merchandise 
I  got  for  subs,  and  ads. 

As  editor  of  the  Warbler  I  didn't  do  a  thing  to  my 
contempt-uaries  and  they  knew  it.  Bill  Jackson  of  the 
Try-Weakly  Scissor  (he  calls  his  paper  scissor  be- 
cause it's  all  steal)  got  tanked  one  day  and  I  an- 
nounced the  fact  in  the  Warbler,  saying  he  was  drunk, 
and  when  the  next  issue  of  the  try-weakly  came  out — 
a  day  late — he  denied  the  charge,  saying  he  was  only 
slightly  intoxicated,  but  that  was  bad  enough  as  there 

15 


Little  Details  of  Married  Life 
16 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

are   several   persons   in    Watts   who   are   opposed   to 
intemperance. 

Running  a  paper  is  a  very  exciting  business,  and 
sometimes  dangerous.  An  editor  has  to  be  careful 
about  saying  harsh  things  of  people;  it  isn't  always 
good  policy  to  call  a  man  a  horse  thief,  or  a  liar  or 
such  things — unless  you  know  your  man  pretty  well. 

But  the  best  thing  about  a  newspaper  is  making 
a  "scoop."  The  Warbler  scooped  the  Scissor  once. 
It  was  when  a  big  bum  busted  in  Berlin,  but  the 
Scissor  didn't  have  a  word  about  it,  in  fact  the  issue 
contained  no  war  news  whatever  and  the  secret  leaked 
out  when  he  publisht,  in  the  following  issue,  a  double- 
leaded  scare  head  editorial  accusing  someone  of  hav- 
ing stolen  his  paste  pot  and  shears.  The  next  week, 
however,  he  managed  to  acquire  a  new  set  of  these 
editorial  accessories  and  the  usual  assassinated  press 
dispatches  appeared. 

Some  very  embarrassing  things  also  happens  some- 
times in  an  editorial  office ;  for  example,  one  day  the 
imp  came  bouncing  excitedly  in  and  said : 

"All  our  subscribers  are  coming  in  to  pay  a  friendly 
visit." 

Of  course  we  were  not  prepared  for  the  reception, 
having  only  two  chairs,  but  I  was  equal  to  the  emer- 
gency and  hustled  the  kid  out  to  borrow  another  while 
I  sat  on  the  beer  keg. 

At  first  I  thought  they  had  come  to  pay  a  friendly 
call  as  the  devil  had  stated,  but  great  was  my  surprise 
and  chagrin  when  each  and  all  three  said  they  had 
come  to  cancel  their  subscriptions. 

17 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


He  Bugled  the  Popular  Songs  of  the  Day 


18 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

One  thing  I  like  about  the  newspaper  business  is 
the  lot  of  exchanges  that  come  in,  and  an  editor  needs 
a  stack  of  good,  interesting  reading  matter  and  the 
stuff  in  them  helps  to  fill  up  and  saves  a  lot  of  writing, 
in  fact  we  find  all  kinds  of  matter  in  them  that  is 
almost  as  good  as  we  can  write  myself. 

Among  my  favorite  exchanges  are,  the  Spookville 
Sporadic,  The  Maketown  Megaphone,  and  the  Bug- 
ville  Bugle.  They  all  have  some  well  known  con- 
tributors such  as  Mr.  Washington  Post,  Atlanta  Con- 
stitution, N.  Y.  Herald,  etc.,  and  they  are  certainly 
some  writers.  I  see  their  names  in  a  good  many 
papers. 


FEAR  NOT,  PROCEED 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


A  Big  Bum  Busted  in  Berlin 
20 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

PERIOD  OF  PERIODICAL  PEREGRINATIONS 

AND    THE    PERFECTLY    PROPER 

PURSUITS  OF  PLEASURE 

During  my  life,  that  is,  up  to  the  present  time,  I 
have  been  a  great  traveler.  Once  I  went  clear  from 
Watts  to  Wilmington,  half  way  across  Los  Angeles 
County,  accompanied  by  my  racing  turtle  mascot. 
While  in  Los  Angeles  I  had  a  great  time.  I  took  in 
two  five-cent  picture  shows  and  a  trip  on  a  trolley 
car  to  one  of  the  parks,  and  walked  back.  Altogether 
I  spent  forty  cents  in  two  days  seeing  the  sights.  Los 
Angeles  is  a  dangerous  place  to  live  in,  several  times 
I  came  near  being  run  over  by  the  street  cars  and  auto- 
mobiles. It's  all  right  for  a  visit  but  me  for  the  quiet 
life  in  the  rhubarbs. 

Since  taking  up  my  residence  in  Watts  I  have  be- 
come somewhat  prominent  in  municipal  matters  and 
it's  more  than  likely  that  I  will  be  elected  to  some 
public  office,  in  fact  it  is  rumored  that  I  am  to  be 
nominated  for  the  office  of  Bill  Collector  on  com- 
mission. I  have  always  wanted  to  be  a  commissioned 
officer. 

There  is  much  more  that  I  could  relate  about  I 
but  modesty  forbids  the  giving  of  publicity  to  some 
of  my  acts  and  fear  of  prosecution  holds  my  pen  in 
check  regarding  others.  Hence  my  silence. 


21 


On  to  Wilmington 
22 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

PERIpD  OF  MATRIMONIAL  MOMENTS 

Returning  to  my  melancholy  moments  I  shall 
dwell  briefly  on  events  leading  up  to  and  culminating 
in  my  capitulation  to  the  little  god  of  Love  called 


Stenografters  Love  Lobsters 

Cupid.     Seven  times  did  I  escape  him  but  the  fourth 
time  I  was  grabbed  quick,  and  had  to  stand  for  it. 

I  came  within  one  of  getting  the  first  girl  I  courted. 
When  I  asked  her  to  be  mine  she  said,  "No,"  if  she 
had  said  "Yes"  I  would  have  had  her.  She  was  a 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


A  Gentle  Creature 


24 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

stenografter  and  said  she  would  not  allow  any  man 
to  dictate  to  her.  What  she  wanted  was  a  lobster, 
something  she  could  handle.  Stenografters  1  ove 
lobsters,  you  know. 

I  passed  up  the  next  one,  who  was  a  suffragette, 
a  gentle  creature,  but  I  thot  it  best  to  let  her  suffer 
alone  and  I  am  told  she  is  talking  suffrage-yet,  and 
pants  for  publicity. 

My  third  courtship  was  brief,  the  girl  didn't  marry 
me,  but  threatened  to.  Finally  I  met  my  Water-Lu — 
all  by  accident.  I  called  up  a  girl  on  the  fone  to  invite 
her  to  a  show.  "Is  this  Miss  Rubberneck?"  says  I 
"It's  her,"  she  says.  "Well,"  says  I,  "I  called  you  up 
to  propose — "  "Oh!  dear,"  she  gurgles,  "how  sudden, 
but  I'll  marry  you ;  what  is  the  name  please?" 

Now  I  know  what  they  mean  when  they  say  they've 
got  my  goat. 

That's  my  finish.  I  married,  and  to  a  girl  I  had 
only  seen  twice,  once  at  the  butcher  shop  and  when  I 
called  her  on  the  fone. 

I  was  informed  that  she  had  money  and  was 
afflicted  with  some  kind  of  incurable  complaint,  but  I 
would  not  allow  the  latter  to  influence  me  against  a 
connubial  alliance,  in  fact  the  vision  of  being  a  wealthy 
widower  had  always  been  an  alluring  one  to  me,  so  I 
accepted,  but  alas,  she  not  only  lacked  lucre  but  proved 
much  too  long  for  this  world,  the  only  consolation 
being  that  she  was  a  wife  I  could  look  up  to. 

The  moon  of  honey  had  scarcely  begun  before  I 
regretted  my  rash  act  and  I  was  mad  enough  to  seek 
my  own  destruction  and  tried  to  do  so  but  just  as  I 

25 


She 

was 

too 

long 

for 

this 

World 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


They  Got  My  Goat 


27 


"Say,  looka  here,  we  don't  want  no  tramps  hangin'  'round  here. 

28 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

was  in  the  act  a  onery  cop  comes  up  and  says :  "Say 
looka  here,  we  don't  want  no  tramps  hangin'  'round 
here." 


See  My  Finish 


So,  I  say,  that's  my  finish.  After  a  man  is  married 
there  is  nothing  more  to  tell,  or  that  should  be  told,  so 
good  night. 

THE  END  OF  THE  TAIL 


"STRETCH" 


29 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


30 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


Other  Stuff 


31 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

TIPS 

Now  we  come  to  the  subject  of  tips  and  in  this  con- 
nection it  may  be  remarkt  that  of  tips  there  are  several 
kinds.  In  the  last  place  there  are  ostrich  tips  but  they 
come  high  and  we  will  pass  them  by  with  but  a  passing 
guance.  In  the  fourth  place  we  have  finger  tips  fol- 


"How  you  puff  out  your  chest  as  you  toss  the  taxi  a  piece  of  silver 
in  full  view  of  the  bystanders." 


lowed  by  betting  tips  and  tipping  the  boat  but  the 
tip  de  luxe  is  the  porter  and  waiter  tip. 

With  what  sense  of  magnaninimity  and  self  respect 
you  flip  the  bell  hop  a  shiner  when  he  deposits  the  ice 
water  on  your  taborette,  how  you  puff  out  your  chest 

32 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

as  you  toss  the  taxi  a  piece  of  silver  in  full  view  of  the 
bystanders.  But  what  greater  pride  is  there  for  man 
than  to  deposit  a  V  on  the  waiter's  tray  at  the  grill 
and  with  an  imperious  wave  of  the  hand  and  a  non- 
chalent  air  murmur  softly  "Keep  the  change,"  for  then 


A  Little  Supper  with  a  Dainty  Dame 


she  may  justly  suspect  that  you  have  money  and  are  a 
good  spender.  What  a  glorious  reputation!  Think 
of  it,  boys,  she  will  tell  the  girls  the  next  day  of  the 
swell  time  she  had  and  how  "she  blowed"  a  Johnnie 
for  half  of  his  week's  salary. 


33 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


A  Bowl  of  Soup  and  a  Brace  of  Buns  for  a  Whole  Dime 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

Then  there  is  the  porter  on  the  Pullman.  What 
if  he  takes  his  ease  all  the  way,  he  certainly  is  "on  the 
job"  at  the  journey's  end,  gives  you  a  few  gentle  taps 


Feeding  His  Face  at  Fifteen  Cents  a  Throw 

with  his  ponderous  broomlet  and  if  you  don't  cough 
up  everybody  in  sight  rates  you  as  a  cheap  skate. 
There  is  at  time,  however,  to  tip  and  a  time  to  es- 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

cape  the  luxury;  for  instance,  the  Johnnie  who  spends 
half  of  his  week's  salary  on  "a  little  supper"  with  a 
dainty  dame  knows  of  most  inexpensive  joints  where 
he  can  feed  his  face  for  the  balance  of  the  week  at  15 
cents  a  throw  and  have  enough  of  the  filthy  lucre  left 


A  Cabaret  Queen 


on  Saturday  night  to  rescue  his  sox  from  the  laundry. 
Sandwiches  and  dairy  lunches  in  solitude  are  the 
penalties  for  the  reputation  of  being  a  good  spender, 
while  the  dainty  dame  who  orders  everything  on  the 
bill  of  fare  at  the  evening  spread,  when  she  leaves  her 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

work  the  next  day  at  noon,  slips  into  a  nearby  cafeteria 
and  punishes  a  bowl  of  soup  and  a  brace  of  buns  for  a 
whole  dime. 

Now  it  is  said  that  the  "Lord  loveth  a  cheerful 
given"  and  that  "it  is  more  blessed  to  give  than  to 
receive,"  wherefore  the  good  pastor  so  fervently  im- 
presses this  fact  upon  the  minds  of  his  attentive 
hearers,  but  the  wise  ones  of  which  usually  drop  a 
nickel  in  the  contribution  box  since  it  makes  more 
noise  than  a  dime. 

Were  it  not  for  tips  the  waiters  and  porters  would 
find  it  necessary  to  practice  economy,  for  they  in  turn 
must  have  their  high  life  and  it  is  with  ghoulish  glee 
that  they  dissipate  the  hard  earned  dollars  of  the 
Johnnies  in  midnight  orgies  in  the  glitter  and  glare  of 
the  bright  lights  of  the  underworld.  So  "on  with  the 
dance,  let  joy  be  unrefined,"  "fill  up  the  bowl"  to 
swell  and  belle,  for  all  are  "tipsy  good  fellows"  while 
the  lucre  lasts. 

So  here's  to  the  chappie  who  tips, 
To  the  damsel  with  ruby  red  lips, 
They  are  birds  of  a  feather 
And  they  flocketh  together, 
The  chick  and  the  Johnnie  who  tips. 


GOOD  NIGHT 


37 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

HAMMOND   AIGS,   THE  BRIEFLESS   BAR- 
RISTER. 

By  Joe  Kerr,  per  Simmons. 

Mr.  Aigs,  of  Watts,  can  boast  of  a  most  novel  and 
checkered  career.    In  the  beginning  it  may  be  related 


Practicing  at   the  Bar 


that  he  was  born  at  a  remarkably  early  period  in  his 
life,  so  early  and  soon,  in  fact,  that  all  the  details  of 
that  sad  event  has  entirely  escaped  his  memory;  fur- 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

thermore  his  parents  are  said  to  be  rich,  but  respect- 
able,  notwithstanding. 

As  may  be  suspected  his  youth  was  spent  before  he 
had  became  a  man,  but  that  did  urt  appear  to  make 
any  difference  with  him,  it  had  to  be  done,  and  he 


Succeeded  in  Having  His  Client  Convicted 
39 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

reconciled  himself  to  the  inevitable ;  therefore,  he  grew 
up  from  a  child — as  is  usual,  but  he  did  not  seem  to 
mind  it. 

At  the  age  of  twenty-one  he  decided  to  adopt  some 
profession  but  for  a  time  he  could  not  make  a  selec- 
tion. Many  suggestions  were  offered  by  his  friends, 
but  all  were  rejected.  However,  he  finally  decided 
to  become  a  doctor  and  a  doctor  he  became,  but  he 
did  not  last  long  as  such ;  he  got  disgusted  when  his 
friends  called  him  "a  grafter"  because  he  grew  new 
skin  on  a  man's  nose  and  called  his  "a  skin  game." 
And  when  he  reduced  a  dislocated  hip  they  accused 
him  of  pulling  a  man's  leg.  "Nothing  doing,"  he  said, 
"no  doctor  for  me." 

Next  we  find  him  practicing  at  the  bar ;  this  suited 
him  better — that  is  to  say,  it  was  a  more  agreeable 
occupation,  but  not  so  profitable — the  treat-ment  was 
too  costly,  being  mostly  on  him,  and  the  legal  frase- 
ology  drifting  into  such  salutations  and  expressions  as 
"What's  it  going  to  be?"  "Have  one  on  me,"  "Join  us," 
"Just  one  more,"  "Four  fingers,"  "Set  'em  up  again," 
"It's  on  the  hou_se,"  etc.  On  many  occasions  he  found 
himself  addressing  the  judge  in  eloquent  oratory,  say- 
ing, "Not  guilty,  your  honor."  And  then  again,  plead- 
ing before  a  jury  of  his  own  countrymen,  he  would 
demand  a  "change  of  venue,"  recommending  the  bar 
at  Watts.  Once  he  instituted  a  habeas  corpus  proceed- 
ing but  it  became  a  dead  issue  just  because  it  was  a 
corpus. 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

Hammond  Aigs  Has  a  Watch  Case  in  Court 

Mr.  Aigs  had  four  children  and  they  were  said  to 
be  his  own,  in  fact  there  were  certain  indications  that 
they  were;  to  begin  with  in  some  respects  they  were 
like  him,  so  much  so  that  the  neighbors  called  them 
bad  Aigs.  Mr.  Aigs  admitted  it.  He  also  claimed  his 
right  to  have  four  children  as  well  as  fore  fathers.  He 
however,  only  had  one  mother — that  is  of  his  own — 
until  he  married,  but  the  less  said  of  that  the  better. 
Of  sisters  he  had  many — by  adoption  and  altogether 
his  was  a  large  family  which  necessitated  his  provid- 
ing for  their  maintenance  as  their  needs  were  many, 
altho  it  cannot  be  said  that  they  were  needy ;  this  may 
seem  a  paradox  and  it  is,  so  let  it  go  at  that — whatever 
it  is. 

Therefore,  in  consequence  of  the  necessity  of 
getting  a  living — notice  we  say  "getting"  where 
others  might  have  said  "earning" — he  decided  to  de- 
cide upon  some  occupation  and  for  a  time  occupied 
a  eel — self  appointed  position  as  head  waiter  in  a 
cannery  but  was  shortly  canned  to  quote  the  ver- 
nacular of  the  gamin,  so  he  turned  him  again  to  the 
law,  concluding  that  a  knowledge  thereof  would  aid 
him  materially  in  keeping  out  of  jail.  So  a  lawyer  he 
is  and  a  lawyer  he  remains — not  the  remains  of  a  client 
but  of  his  frugal  daily  repasts. 

One  day  he  had  a  case  in  court,  in  fact,  courts  are 
where  cases  are  tried  and  where  lawyers  try  to  try 
them.  It  was  not  often  that  he  had  a  case  but  this  was 
a  time  he  did  have  one.  He  was  retained  by  a  man 
accused  of  stealing  a  watch.  The  watch  was  placed 
in  evidence  and  the  prisoner  in  jail. 

41 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

Mr.  Aigs  made  a  strong  plea  for  his  client  and 
succeeded  in  having  him  convicted.  As  a  result  the 
presecution  endeavored  to  confiscate  the  watch  but  in 
the  excitement  the  lawyers  appropriated  the  works, 
the  judge  took  the  case  under  advisement  and  kept  it, 
and  Mr.  Aigs  was  relieved,  therefore  no  longer  re- 
tained, while  he  complained  that  the  prisoner  for 
merely  taking  the  watch  is  doing  time. 

"That  joke,"  said  the  judge,  "is  very  bad,  Aigs," 
with  a  heavy  accent  on  the  last  two  words. 

Hammond  Aigs  Continually  at  the  Bar 

Among  the  several  cases  tried  in  court  by  Mr. 
Aigs  was  the  most  remarkable  one  of  a  youth  by  the 
name  of  Gunn  who  had  been  pinched  for  licking  a 
stamp,  the  arresting  officer,  referring  to  the  young 
man,  called  him  a  "son  of  a  Gunn"  and  charged  that 
he  wrote  an  unseen  letter  to  his  father.  Mr.  Aigs, 
as  the  attorney  for  the  defendant,  claimed  that  his 
client,  as  the  son  of  a  Gunn,  must  be  a  pistol,  he, 
therefore,  asked  that  the  elder  Gunn  be  subpoenaed 
to  testify,  believing  that  upon  a  report  from  the  Gunn 
the  pistol  would  be  discharged.  The  old  man,  how- 
ever, was  "half  shot"  and  his  testimony  regarding  the 
value  of  the  injured  stamp  was  so  damaging  that  Mr. 
Aigs  could  not  make  the  cast  stick  in  the  court,  the 
judge  claiming  that  thd  stamp  was  stuck  on  the. 
prisoner. 

And  just  because  the  attorney  for  the  defense  lost 
the  case  he  was  fired  by  the  elder  Gunn. 


42 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 
WHAT  OUR  ARTIST  DREW. 

Upon   imagination   strong  he   drew, 
For  drawing  was  his  hobby; 

He  drew  a  lot,  John  on  the  spot, 
And  John  was  neat  and  nobby. 


And  Also  Drew  His  Breath 


He  drew  comparisons  odious 
And  also  drew  his  breath; 

Some  corks  he  drew,  tho  just  a  few, 
And  then  drew  near  to  death. 


43 


VSHE  DREW  flTTE NT/ON  To  HIS 
071 

44 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

He  drew  a  sketch,  he  drew  the  line 

At  one-piece  bathing  suits; 
He   drew    four   kings   and   other   things 

And  then  drew  on  his  boots. 


He  drew  a  salary  fabulous, 

A  pension  also  drew, 
He  drew  attention  to  his  style 

And  to  his  clothing,  too. 

He  drew  a  blank,  'twas  not  a  stare, 

And  then  he  drew  a  prize; 
He  drew  his  gun,  tho  just  in  fun 

To  give  his  friends  surprise. 

He  drew  imaginary  lines 
In  Mex.  and  then  some  beer; 

He  drew  a  fine  across  the  line, 
And  then  drew  to  his  bier. 

He  drew  his  brother  to  one  side, 

In  conversation  slow; 
He  spoke  so  well  of  so-called  he — well, 

And  then  withdrew  below.    • 

He  drew  his  girl  unto  his  breast  , 

He  drew  her  close  to  him ; 
He  held  her  tight  (she  said  he  might), 

Beneath  the  gaslight  dim. 


45 


He  Drew  His  Girl 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

He  drew  up  near,  and  then  drew  back, 

He  drew  a  pail  of  water, 
He  drew  some  sighs,  and  also  flies, 

A  gift  his  girl  he  bought  her. 

He  drew  a  stein  of  foaming  beer, 

'Twas  by  his  father  made, 
And  tho  his  father  was  no  Jew, 

Hebrewed  it  in  the  shade. 


He  drew  the  stein  of  beer  to  him, 

No  longer  was  he  blue, 
He  said,  "this  is  no  Jewish  junk 

It  Israelite  in  hue." 


He  drew  a  cork  all  gleefully, 

(He  had  an  awful  thirst) 
'Twas  not  because  he  liked  the  stuff, 

But  done  for  "safety  first." 

He  drew  a  paper  from  his  coat, 

He  drew  his  share  and  quit ; 
He  drew  his  sword  and  stabbed  a  board, 

Then  drew  he  on  his  mitt. 

He  drew  suspicion  to  himself, 

Did  this  young  draughtsman  bold; 

He  drew  a  map  upon  his  lap, 
Likewise  a  stack  of  gold. 

47 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


He  Drew  Some  Sighs  and  Also  Flies 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


He  Drew  His  Sword  and  Stabbed  a  Board 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

He  drew  a  long  black  pencil  mark, 
Across  his  barroom  score; 

He  drank  some  rye  and  bye  and  bye, 
He  loudly  called  for  more. 

He  drew  most  every  other  day, 
On  his  small  bank  account; 

He  drew  so  much  it  left  him  such, 
A  very  small  amount. 


\ 


He  Drew  the  Downy  Covers  Up 

He  drew  the  curtains  of  his  den 
And  hied  him  to  his  bed ; 

He  drew  the  downy  covers  up, 
To  hide  his  sleepy  head. 


And  now  our  tale  is  nearly  done, 

"Tis  drawing  to  a  close ; 
Our  artist  snores,  no  more  to  draw 

Till  draws  he  on  his  clothes. 


50 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 
THE  CUR  DOG 

They  call  him  a  cur,  maybe  so, 
'Cause  my  dog  has  no  pedigree, 

But  he's  honest  and  true  and  I  know 
He's  a  mighty  good  friend  to  me. 


The  Cur  Dog 


No  matter  if  ill  fortune  finds 

Me  parted  from  friends  of  the  past, 

And  grub  is  nil  in  the  larder, 
He  faithfully  shares  in  my  fast. 

The  wife  of  my  bosom  grows  weary 
Of  my  luck  and  humble  fare, 

And  says  she  is  going  to  mother 
But  Towser  won't  follow  her  there. 

51 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

He  'bides  with  his  sorrowful  master 

No  matter  if  rich  or  if  not, 
He's  always  the  same  to  his  loved  ones, 

And  fondly  he  shares  in  their  lot. 


Even  Unto  Death 


When  Dame  Fickle  Fortune  forsakes  me, 
Then  follows  each  cherished  friend, 

But  the  cur,  tho  he  be,  will  ever 
Be  constant  and  true  to  the  end 


52 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 

When  death  overtakes  his  beloved  one, 
The  dog  then  is  there  at  his  side, 

Nor  does  it  matter  whether  it  was 
As  saint  or  a  sinner  he  died. 

Ah,  well,  you  have  friends  when  you  prosper, 

And  there's  welcome  for  you  everywhere, 
But  it's  ever  the  same  to  Old  Towser, 
Be  you  tramp  or  a  millionaire. 


THE  END 


I,  AND  OTHER  STUFF 


PUBLISHER'S  NOTE 

Observe  the  classic  tone  to  the 
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Each  is  a  dream  in  itself.  : 


P4 


A  Cure   for  that  Ingrowing  Grouch 


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(F.  Weber  Benton) 


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